New Realizations

Today has been a day of self-pity for me. I'll admit it. I think we're all entitled to one of those days every once in awhile. And I think it's o.k. as long as we smack ourselves out of it at the end of the day and get on with life. So, before I smack myself, I thought I'd write down some of my self-pitying thoughts.

Sometimes, life circumstances reveal a reality you are not prepared to see...or a reality you don't want to see. As we make friends and forge relationships with others, we want to believe that those bonds matter - that they are meaningful. I think many are. But sometimes, you realize that relationships that were meaningful to you are not as meaningful to the other person...and that hurts a little. Or you realize that a friendship you have enjoyed wasn't really a friendship - simply a family obligation. I guess it's humbling, because you realize that life continues without you, and there is very little concern over your absence.

These feelings put me between a rock and hard place. I can't be too hurt by this reality, because I created it. We packed up our things, we drove 2500 miles away, and we started to create a life away from family and friends. That was our choice, and these are the consequences. But even though I know that, it still hurts when there are no phone calls. When promises go unfulfilled. When they stop asking about the kids. When there aren't Christmas gifts anymore.

I was prepared to take the lions-share portion of maintaining long-distance relationships...but I didn't expect to find out that keeping those relationships would be 100% my responsibility. And that hurts a little.

My husband says it most likely a simple case of "out of sight, out of mind". I think he's right. I guess I just thought that if a relationship was important enough in someone's life, we'd come to mind every now and again. But never? Ouch.

The silver lining in all this is that it reminds me to start creating relationships that matter here - where we live, and where we are raising our kids. Maybe it's a push to stop spending so much time trying to maintain old friendships and pour that effort into new friendships. Maybe this is just a season in our life...and a few years down the road, we'll be able to pick up where we left off. I don't know. But for now, it hurts a little.

I guess I just wanted to be thought of more often. Doesn't that sound cheesy! :) Ok, time to smack myself....and go to bed.